Anxiety Thoughts I
Cuidado conmigo. Careful, watch yourself. I can feel you there, each thought I know half of them at least belong to me. Don’t be fooled. I am not God. I am a hunter. I am hunted. I do what I know. I am a little girl trembling in the corner. Come closer, I will swallow you whole. I am a mountain, one that will be the death of you. No soy una cosita que puedes sanar. Cosita linda en tu bolsillo. No caes en esa trampa. Cuidado, soy muy versada en el arte de dañar. And I will lose this, I will lose you. How many times can I lose the same person? How many people can I lose in the exact same way? I will be the end of you, the end of this. Even if I have done nothing wrong. Even if I said nothing, did nothing I will be the end of this. I will walk into the room and have them chase me out. Torches and pitchforks. I am not allowed here. There is no place for one such as me. These dreams, built of paper, will not resist the rains. They will sift through my fingers like ash, like dust, and I will be banished, exiled from this place I am finding happiness. I am finding peace, in the threads of your shadow I knit together to protect me from the cold. Protect me, from myself you can’t. Protect yourself. You know nothing of hunger, and danger, and a goddess’ rage. How is it I can feel you there? Why have you built these walls to press yourself up against them? There is a part of you, a part of your heart that still belongs to me. Una misma piedra, cortada en la mitad. Un corazón que se revela elástico. You ask yourself what is this thing that connects us. This thread, spidersilk, can just as easily be a rope around your neck. You are there, and I am carried there, deep inside you. Portable goddess, planting fruit in your inner garden. Parasite, feeding off the beatings of your heart. This is not my doing. I will lose you, well-versed as I am in the art of losing. Please come find me. Carry me with you, please, I do not take up much space. What is distance between two people? What is this dance we’re doing? I can feel you there, do you know this is for You? And You and You, but mostly You. Cuidado conmigo. Cuidado contigo. I will lose you, lose this paper empire I am building. I will lose and make my home face down on the floor. Who can really tell the beast from the beauty? Save yourself, while you still can. Save yourself, leave me here, there are always more coming in your wake. The sun is not coming. I fear it will be winter forever. Night has fallen all around us. Darkness prevails. And I am always hungry.
Commentary: writing tonight's anxiety into a stream of consciousness that actually came out as some sort of bilingual prose poem. I might steal some of these lines and put them in other poems, or come back and edit this into something more palatable. But here it is in its rawest and truest form.